Katie's Been Gone
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: Emily POV. AU- Katie has gone of the rails and Emily has no idea why. When Katie's departure from Bristol allows her to finally reveal the truth, Emily is surprised to learn that they have more in common than she realised. Mentions of Naomily and Keffy..


**Katie and Emily's relationship has always been my favourite on Skins. As a twin, I got to thinking how far I would go for my sister. This bittersweet story is the result of my musings.**

**I was also strongly inspired by this quote: **_**"When you love someone, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them."**_

When we were younger, Katie was a sweet little girl who rescued me when a boy put worms in my hair and made me laugh whenever I was about to cry. She wore princess dresses and loved everybody. That Katie had gone. Where did it all go wrong? Growing up, we were always together. Our differences bonded us. I calmed her and she gave me courage to do things that I wouldn't normally dare. Katie was the older twin by 7 minutes and she was always the more headstrong one. She may have had a temper and a biting wit that she wasn't afraid to use, but she was never mean. Not then. She was the most loving sister and gave the best hugs of anyone I've ever met. We had each other and that was all we needed. Katie and Emily, Emily and Katie. That all changed. It wasn't enough anymore, I wasn't enough.

I can recall perfectly the day that it all began to unravel. It was a Monday morning and we had just started college. I woke up to find that Katie wasn't in our room, which was unheard of in those days. She always got up before me and spent ages preening in front of the mirror, scrutinising the outfit that she had planned the night before. She was obsessed with looking good and making sure that everything was perfectly accessorised. I thought that maybe she was already done dressing so I went to look for her in the kitchen, assuming that she had started making breakfast. She wasn't there either. I finally found Katie in the bathroom and I knew something was off with her. She wasn't dressed and her hair wasn't curled. She was just staring into the mirror, and it seemed like she hadn't even heard me calling her. Alarm bells were ringing.

"Katie, what's wrong?" I asked tentatively, afraid to hear the answer.

"I've blown it Ems, I've failed. I know it. Everything is fucked. University was supposed to be the one thing that even I couldn't screw up, but I'll never get in now." She was rambling but I knew at once that she meant her English Literature exam. She had begged me weeks ago to take the test for her and I refused. It was obvious that she was scheduled to get her marks back today.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Academic hurdles were easy to climb over, anything to do with college I could handle. I could lighten her load. I tried to reassure her. "You don't know that you've definitely failed, you might have done better than you think. You're smart Katie, I know you don't believe me, but it's true." She glared at me in a way that I instantly recognised. That look meant, _"Save your sunshine and rainbows speech for some other sap."_ Katie liked to think that she was a realist, but I'd say that pessimist was the more correct way of describing my sister. "Anyway, if the worst comes to the worst, you can always re-sit. I'll help you study." I figured that was practical advice that she would have a hard time dismissing.

"What's the point, I'll never get it." Katie sighed. I decided not to press the subject and wait until she got her grades back. We could readdress the situation then. I went into our room and retrieved some clothes at random which I threw in her lap. She scowled at me and I shot her a look which said _"mum will kill you if you skip school this early into the term."_ Katie threw me one back which seemed to say _"mum will kill me anyway when she discovers how badly I'm failing, so what've I got to lose?_"

Regardless, after some gentle cajoling she did at least move to get dressed. She made a face at the clothes I'd chosen and swiftly picked some of her own. I stared in wonder as minutes later my sister stood beside me, more stylish that I could ever dream to be in twice that time frame. It never failed to amaze me how she managed to construct such wonderful outfits, just looking at the jumbled mess of her wardrobe made my eyes hurt. We were chalk and cheese but somehow our relationship worked.

I met up with her for lunch. It was something that we always did; no matter how busy we were because our timetables meant that we didn't really share any lessons. It was essential to have that time to check in with each other and it was one of the first things I missed when Katie distanced herself from me. That day, English Literature was the class immediately before lunch and as she strode to meet me, Katie's expression told me that her worst fears had been realised. She thrust the piece of paper into my hand angrily and I glanced down at all the vivid red pen marks before she snatched it back again and tore it into tiny pieces. I didn't get a chance to read the grade but I knew that it couldn't be good.

"This is such bullshit!" She ranted as the paper fluttered to the ground like sad confetti.

"I can't help you study if you rip up all the feedback…"

"Forget it Ems, it's hopeless!" She looked so defeated and I immediately went to put my arms around her. She shrugged off my attempts at comfort. "What's the fucking point?" I didn't know what else to say other than the things I had already said. Anytime I tried to tell Katie how smart she was, she simply refused to acknowledge it. She accused me of being bias. It really was the truth though; I just couldn't make her see that.

I was so caught up in trying to help Katie that I didn't notice the other girl's approach until she was standing right next to us. "I wouldn't worry; it's no reflection on you. She marked us all really harshly. She's just pissed because her husband kicked her out after he found out about her affair with the caretaker."

Katie burst out laughing. "Mr Hobbs? He's like 104 years old."

The girl smiled knowingly. "It's all still in good working order."

Katie made a sound of disgust. I didn't say anything; I was trying to place where I knew this girl from. Suddenly, it clicked into place. Effy Stonem, I recognised her from detention. It wasn't my usual hang out, far from it, Katie called me goodie two shoes in fact. However, this one time they punished me for refusing participate in this brainless debate, and I saw her there. Whilst I was lost in my thoughts, Effy seemed to be charming my sister. I watched as she took out two cigarettes lit them both and gave one to Katie without even asking. I expected her to be horrified. She always said that aside from the obvious risks like cancer or emphysema, which we had all learnt about, she'd rather die before she risked wrinkles or got caught smelling like an ash tray. I opened my mouth to remind her of this and she shooed me away.

"Fuck it." I heard her mutter softly. I bit my lip nervously as she inhaled and she rolled her eyes as though I was the biggest loser on the planet. "The bell is about to ring, you better get back to class, Ems." I thought about telling her to heed her own advice for a change but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut. Walking away from her then was my first mistake.

Things escalated pretty quickly from there. Katie and Effy became joined at the hip and my sister had no time for me anymore. To be honest, I barely even saw her. She stopped meeting me for lunch and from one day to the next I had no clue how often she actually stayed in school. She was rarely at home for any longer than it took to shower or grab some clothes. I guessed what she was doing, and the rumours I heard filled in any blanks. I wasn't trying to a kill-joy, I mean, I wasn't a saint either, but she was partying every night indiscriminately. The sweetest sound in the world was the door opening, no matter what time it was. I could relax at little then, until the next time. It scared me how reckless she was being, her total disregard for her own safety and well-being. That wasn't the Katie I knew, my Katie was slipping away. She was being replaced by an angry, sullen stranger.

In those early days I tried many times to talk to her. Every time she told me that I was worrying too much, that nothing was wrong. Whenever I pushed her too far and she got angry she would accuse me of being jealous or having some kind of hero complex. I couldn't care less about her spending all her time with Effy, I missed her of course, but in normal circumstances I would have been glad that she had friends. It wasn't jealousy. It wasn't like I was running around after her trying to hold her coattails. I did have my own life and my own little group of friends. I had Naomi, JJ, Pandora, and Thomas, a rag-tag group of misfits whom I loved. They kept me sane. My sister was right about one thing though, I did want to save her.

In my desperation, I made my second mistake. I told my parents a much censored version of what was happening. It was difficult to make it hit home how serious this was becoming. On the one hand, I wanted to spare their blushes, but at the same time, I didn't want to sugar coat things for them. I should have known that it would be an error in judgment to get mum involved. Her temper was even more volatile than Katie's, but I couldn't handle this alone, my sister was shutting me out and I had no idea what else to do. I had hoped that knowing mum and dad were no longer in the dark to her activities would be the wake-up call she needed. I was wrong. I had inadvertently started World War III in my house. It was an eternal slanging match whenever Katie came home. On those occasions, I hid upstairs with James to try and block out some of the screaming, but it was so loud that I heard it crystal clear at any rate. The first confrontation was the worst, it was before my parents got worn down by it all, and their anger was fresh and unrelenting. My mum tried to ban Katie from seeing Effy, which was probably the most foolish thing she could have attempted. She stormed out of the house, slamming the door with such force that I expected it to come loose from the hinges.

I saw that Katie had thrown her house key on the table so I followed after her. I couldn't leave it like that. "Katie, wait…." She spun round to face me, her face a contorted mask of tears and rage. She lunged at me and her hand connected with my cheek. It wasn't a particularly hard slap, but I jumped back as though she had floored me with one punch. Katie had never hit anyone before. I never expected to be her first target.

My own hand flew up to my face in disbelief. She didn't even look apologetic. "We never tell on each other, that was one of our promises! You broke it."

"We were 6 years old when we made that pact. This is different. I'm scared for you; I didn't know what else to do." I trust the key back into her hand. "Don't go, not like this."

She ignored my plea entirely. "How about you mind your own fucking business, it's my life! Not yours, mine. You don't understand anything." She ran. Katie was gone.

I didn't see her for weeks after that. I had never felt such acute loneliness before. I still had my family and friends, but I felt lost. I couldn't concentrate on anything; part of me was always scanning the crowd for my twin or wondering what she was doing. I asked myself if she missed me, if she felt abandoned too. It hurt me to think of her without a safety net, with only the dangerous and elusive Effy for company. She was like a moth to a flame where that girl was concerned. I couldn't understand it. Did they talk? Did Effy whisper words of comfort in Katie's ear? I doubted it, so why had Katie chosen her over me?

Huge passages of time elapsed without Katie being present. I had resigned myself to it. Her phone was dead, Effy didn't answer her door and neither of them came to school anymore. I found it too depressing to keep searching for her. I was seeing the dark side of Bristol and I wished I hadn't. The things I witnessed were distressing at first, but I became dulled to it and that was more terrifying. I never wanted to think of those things as commonplace or to imagine my sister wrapped up in those situations. It was horrible. I was falling deeper and deeper and I had to stop before I got sucked into the black hole as well. I would be no use to Katie then.

So, as much as it pained me, I had to carry on living my life. My friends were great, especially Naomi, she became my rock. When our friendship changed into something else, I didn't question it. Loving Naomi felt right. I felt happy again for the first time since this all began. I tried not to feel guilty, but it seemed selfish to be enjoying my life when my parents were barely clinging on. Our family was dismantled. I was the only casualty that hadn't become a burnt out wreck yet and I wanted to keep it that way. I couldn't stand to be in mourning any longer. I simply couldn't drown with them anymore. My whole life was in front of me and I wanted to seize it. Whenever I regretted my decision, I thought of something that Naomi told me on the eve of all Katie's drama. I hadn't wanted to listen then, but I was ready now.

She said, "You deserve to be happy, Emily. You can't put your life on hold. Tragic as it is, you could spend months, years, waiting for Katie. What if she never comes home, what then?"

Naomi's words acted as my own personal wake-up call. I clutched them so that I wouldn't waver and I didn't. At least until my sister came back and ripped apart my painstakingly reconstructed life. I had expected her to look bad, but faced with her; the actual sight took my breath away. Her skin was deathly pale which only accentuated the dark smudges under her eyes. She looked like she hadn't slept for a year. I had never known Katie take such uncharacteristically little care over her appearance before. She had always looked immaculate when she lived here, even when her lifestyle had begun to spiral out of control. The make-up had gotten thicker, and been made to hide more sins, but it was always there. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her without any. In addition, her clothes looked like they had been salvaged off Effy's bedroom floor.

My hasty appraisal didn't go unnoticed. "I'm still a stunner, right?" She joked, grinning. That cheered me somewhat, catching that tiny glimpse of the old Katie and I smiled too.

"Black always was a good colour on you." I replied.

"You're a shit liar, but I'm glad you try." She had tears in her eyes and I hugged her tightly as I dared. She was so thin that I was worried I would hurt her. Without further comment I made her a sandwich and placed it down in front of her. She devoured it as my eyes widened. I turned away discretely so that she wouldn't be embarrassed. I didn't want to make a scene that early into our reunion.

Needless to say, the honeymoon period didn't last. It was obvious to me that Katie hadn't changed. I could tell that she had only come home for lack of a better alternative and soon her enthusiasm, if you could call it that, was waning. She was restless. She couldn't sit still. Her presence unsettled the whole house, especially James. I found myself wishing that she would leave again and I immediately hated myself for thinking it. I should be glad that Katie was home and safe at last, but I knew that it was only a stop gap. I couldn't relax. Soon she would be gone again and we'd be back to square one, all our progress undone. As much as I wanted to spend time with my twin, I needed to get my head together first.

I was sad and angry so I went to Naomi's for some peace. Naomi didn't ask me any questions as I collapsed in her arms, she just held me. There was only one person that could cause me to be in such a state and we both knew it. The blonde also knew that there was no point quizzing me, I didn't know anything for sure. We were all a victim of Katie's whims, even the girl herself. We lay together for a while, doing nothing in particular. The background noise of the TV settled me and knowing that Naomi was close enough to touch made me feel calmer and safer than I did at home. I started to spill my guts. It was therapeutic to say all my worries out loud; they had been eating me up, churning and tearing at my insides. Naomi listened patiently and without judgement. I loved her for that.

"I, more than anyone, can relate to the craving of normality. It doesn't make you a bad person to wish for that. I know it seems evil to resent your sister for disrupting your life, but it's not. I'm sure even Katie would understand, if she was herself right now. Don't beat yourself up about it." She kissed me gently and I had never felt less deserving of her. I was crying and I hated that I seemed to spend so much of our time together in floods of tears. None of this was Naomi's fault or mine, but I felt punished anyway.

"Everything is such a mess right now. James is acting out, mum is ignoring Katie completely and dad's solution was to ground her, as though that would magically fix everything."

"Ground her, what, like she is a kid who won't eat her vegetables? I think she is kind of past that point."

"I know. I feel so helpless."

"Well, I'm here and I don't plan of going anywhere. So, think of this as your safe haven, okay?"

I fused our lips together in response. I was so grateful for these windows of time where I was able to feel nothing but utter contentment. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too."

The breaking point came when Katie broke her foot. She had been trying to climb down from our bedroom window, something we often did as children, and slipped. Other than badly bruised ribs she had no other injuries, but we all knew that she was extremely lucky to be alive. My sister had officially hit rock bottom. Nobody could kid themselves any longer. Our parents were already stretched to their limits and the accident was the final straw. A family meeting was called, without Katie, to decide what to do. All kinds of wild ideas were thrown around, but the general consensus of opinion seemed to be that she needed a fresh start. Despite the fact that I personally thought was my mother was far too eager to shift all the blame onto Effy's shoulders in defence of her "little angel", I had to concede that she was right about Bristol being fraught with bad influences. We all hoped that time away would give Katie a fresh perspective, but more that, I prayed that with a clearer head, she would finally open up to me about what had caused her to behave like this in the first place. I knew it wasn't anything as straightforward as normal teenage rebellion and I wanted to uncover the truth.

A few days later, Katie was sent to say with our cousins in Norfolk. I went with them when our parents dropped her off and Katie cried for the duration of the 4 hour car ride. I soothed her as best I could, holding her hand from the moment we set off. It was strange watching Bristol melt away in the rear view mirror; it was all we'd ever known. Neither of us had ever left the city for any longer than a week at a time. I made an effort not to show how daunted I was because Katie was scared and she needed me to be strong and remain positive about this. I knew it was for the best, but it still felt like I was deserting her, leaving her alone to face the unknown.

"It'll be okay." I repeated over and over until the words blurred together. I willed myself to believe it so that Katie would too. I needed her to make it through this, there was no other choice.

"Katie sham." She kept her voice low although nobody but me could understand her. I knew how hard it was for her to admit she was sorry so I apologised too. We had both neglected each other but I wanted to start making up for that. I hugged her and she let me. It felt like the start of something better.

It turned out that Kings Lynn, the town where my sister would now be living wasn't as bad as I'd feared. It wasn't the tiny, non-descript market town I had imagined. It was actually a bustling place with lots of great shops and cafes. As far as I could tell, there were worse places for her to be exiled. It even had its own college and that pleased me more than anything. Although I didn't want to get my hopes up, I had been unable to help myself from checking out the homepage and I had found lots of suitable courses offered, including A-levels. I was overwhelmed by images of a future for my sister that had yet to be realised.

Katie ended up staying in Norfolk for the rest of the school year. I visited when I could, but that wasn't often, so I made sure I called and texted and emailed frequently to make up for the short fall. The more time that went by, I noticed a marked improvement in her. With each phone call, her voice sounded brighter and she laughed more. She began to send me sarcastic text messages about the people she had met and I knew for certain that I was slowly getting my sister back. It was an indescribable feeling. As a consequence I became happier too, which had a knock on effect on everybody around me. I wasn't just going through the motions now, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

By the time I went down to bring her home for the summer holidays, exams meant that I hadn't seen her for over 3 months and she was unrecognisable as Katie I had previously left behind. It wasn't that she had morphed into the fierce Katie fucking Fitch of before either, she was a new Katie, someone that had changed for the better.

"Wow, you look…"

"Different, I know." It was more than different. She looked good. Her hair was darker; she had traded in the bright red dye, replacing it with gorgeously rich plum shade. It suited her, made her look more sophisticated. "Do you like it?" She sounded almost bashful, a trait I would never have linked to her in the past. I could do nothing but nod vigorously, I was stunned.

"You look good, Katie." I managed. A mega-watt smile lit up her face.

"The first step was ditching the leopard print, what was I thinking?" I laughed. We had a long drive ahead of us and I didn't want to spoil the mood, but I wanted so much to talk to Katie about everything, get it all out in the open so that we could enjoy our summer together without any shadows hanging over us. She took one look at me and she knew. "Ask me, I'll tell you anything you want to know. I'm ready to talk."

I turned to her. I was weary of the fact that I had to watch the road. I pondered whether or not to pull over and eventually pulled into the upcoming services. I wanted to give this conversation my full attention. I opened my mouth expecting the words to spew out but nothing happened. I didn't know how to broach such a significant subject, I felt awkward. Although this was my twin sister sitting beside me and I knew that the barriers shouldn't exist anymore. "Why?" It was the only word that escaped.

"I can't have kids Emily; I can't have children, ever." There it was, all my sister's torment condensed into one sentence. Suddenly I understood. The anger, the disillusion, the frustration and the tears, it all made sense. Katie had wanted nothing more than the fairytale wedding, big house and kids for as long as I could remember. She used to dress our cat as her baby and push her around in a pram all day. All her dreams had been shattered. She felt like she had failed.

"I'm so sorry Katie, I had no idea. Hearing that news, it must have been so awful."

She nodded and I could see the tears welling up at the memory. "I kept expecting them to say that they had made a mistake and it was some other Katie. I couldn't tell anyone. I felt like I had let mum down."

I took my hand off the steering wheel and rested it over hers. "Katie, you mustn't ever think that you're a disappointment. It's not your fault, mum loves you, and she would never think that." Katie smiled in silent thanks and gave me a quick hug.

"I realise that now, it was just hard, you know?" She took a deep breath and I could tell that this wasn't the end of the story. "There's more…"

I tried to infuse as much encouragement into a single look as I could. "You can tell me, no secrets anymore, remember?"

"I'm so confused Ems, I did things with Effy, things that I'd never done with a girl before and I…"

I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. "Are you trying to tell me that you had sex with her?" Katie looked down at her lap, blushing vividly. She nodded, a quick jerk of her head, but I noticed it. My sister, Katie Fitch, straight as an arrow, had sex with a girl. Somehow that surprised me more than anything else she had ever done.

"Did you love her?"

"I don't know Ems, my head was a mess, I was fucked up, I…"

"Did you love her?" I asked again.

Katie looked up at me, her large eyes meeting mine. "Yes." She replied quietly. I thought that perhaps that was the first time she had ever admitted it, even to herself. I was proud of her even as I struggled to get my head around this revelation. It had never occurred to me to question Katie's sexuality in spite of all the time she spent with Effy. The idea that we had been struggling through the same thing, totally oblivious to the other's plight, was so astonishing. It other circumstances I might have found it hilarious, but I couldn't laugh, not seeing the pain and etched on Katie's face.

"I feel like I have shit all over every single plan that mum ever made for me." She mumbled. The unhappiness was evident in her voice. The last pieces of the puzzle came together. No wonder she had avoided home, she hadn't wanted to face the possibility that she was no longer the perfect daughter.

"It's your life. Don't worry about mum, you can still have all those things, career, kids, marriage, you'll just have to approach it a little differently that's all."

"You don't hate me then?" I had to suppress a laugh once more. Nothing could be further from the truth. I grinned at her.

"How could I? We are more alike that you know."

She eyed me suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"Connect the dots. I'm gay, Katie. I've been dating Naomi for months."

Her eyes widened. "Oh my god, why didn't you tell me…" I let her gush for a few moments and get it out of her system before I told her the whole story. I explained why I had kept it a secret and she looked genuinely sorry that she hadn't been there for me. It was a relief to finally tell someone and I'm glad that person was Katie. I felt close to her again, knowing each other's secrets had strengthened our bond.

"I guess James is mum's last hopes for grandkids then, that or the turkey baster." Katie burst out laughing before we both cringed at the prospect of our little brother reproducing. There was a moment of silence while we digested all the information that we had exchanged in the past few minutes.

"So mum and dad really have no idea?" I shook my head. "In that case, I guess we've both got some things to tell them, don't we? It's going to be an eventful homecoming." Katie was right, but suddenly the idea of opening up and telling my parents the truth didn't seem so intimidating. If I knew one thing for sure it was that Katie had my back and I had hers and together we would be alright.


End file.
